I’m in the new house now in Greensboro. The house is finally settled. We’ve been here since September, mostly. I’ve been drowning in a great depression for a month now, a rather heavy one. I’d like to think I’ll be able to shake it off, but I haven’t been able.
The year always starts with a bang. A new place to start counting from, now’s the perfect time to do what you’ve been putting off, let’s get skinny again!
I’ve gotten fat this past month and a half of 2014. I’ve stuffed my face with pretzels dipped in sour cream, in sweetened condensed milk. I’ve squirted Hershey’s chocolate syrup into the carton of strawberry ice cream and finished off a quarter size box of Breyers. I’ve eaten my children’s leftovers, used two bags of oatmeal at breakfast, and sprinkled lots and lots of salt on my single serving microwave popcorn. I’ve drank orange soda and milk and juice straight out of the bottle and put it back in the fridge. I went out for a burger and fries at Hops Burger Bar and had the most tasty burgers I have ever tasted in my life (get The Big Truffle if its on special), three days in a row. I’ve eaten my children’s candy. Cookies have been made and I have been the monster.
I shower hardly ever. I cut all my hair off. I am slowly slinking into being a blob on the couch til I’m dead.
Who am I kidding, I’ve been depressed for a while. It’s easy to say it when you just say it instead of putting it off.
I’m depressed! Okay then? Yes. Yes you are. Depressed.
Reason’s I’ve been depressed:
1. Children’s father is a nightmare to deal with. I’ll keep that explanation short and simple for now. No details. Just the thought of a tangent makes me scour. GRRR SERIOUSLY, DUDE. I see now why some mothers opt their children’s fathers out of their lives. And I don’t want to do it. But I am convinced you are a psychopath. And I’m not using that word to be funny. SERIOUSLY, DUDE. Look up the definition and deny deny deny who you are some more
(oookay)(back to the lissst)
2. General lack of healthiness. Can’t find jeans that fit right.
3 Can’t seem to wake up at 6 a.m., which for some reason, I have equated waking at that time to achieving happiness.
4. There is no music going on in my life. Unless you count me singing to The Little Mermaid Soundtrack in the car and my daughter shushing me.
5. I don’t see my friends as much as I thought I would after I moved back. I fully accept some blame for that. Life happens, like a nail gun on repeat.
6. This house I’m renting is okay but the oven and the tub and the kitchen sink suck.
7. I haven’t been writing, and writing always helps. Always helps.
8. Children are difficult to take care of day in and day out and day in and day out and day in and day out and day in and day out and day in and day out. It’s one of the joys of single motherhood.
Yeahhhhhhhdepression. So what now?
I dunno. There’s this blog post I guess, which is something good come of it. I’m writing. #winning
Somebody give me a fucking cupcake.
SERIOUSLY. Need cupcakes. Gourmet with neat flavors.
Maybe I should make my own cupcakes and apply that thought to life. Make my own way, and do the things I need to do to get myself out of this got-dog depression. I started this blog saying I was going to get up at 6 a.m. the following day, and I never did. Maybe tomorrow I will.
Seriously doubt it. Maybe. I’m depressed. And it’s supposed to snow. Maybe I will start writing in this website I paid for more, though. Maybe. Hopefully. Writing helps.
So do snacks. Snacking my way through the depression. Gotta stop doing that, too. But not tonight.